Whole
by darksupernatural
Summary: Warning:DARK. Death/suicide mentioned. Language. Don't read unless you know my style. Songfic. This is where I see the season/series going. Evil!Sam for Pandora, posted because of the persuasion of a good friend. T-plus please!


**A/N: Song is **_**Whole**_ **by Flaw. Don't own the lyrics or the band. Don't own the Winchester boys either. Although the things I'd do if I did... Anyhow please read and review. This is dark, a song fic of sorts. Character death and suicide in here. Spoilers for Season 4. Don't like, don't read. No flames. Language warning.  
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**This was posted under another profile name which shall not be mentioned. The two hits and zero reviews it received made me take it down. I'm giving it one more chance solely because of a dear friend. Download the song if you like hard rock. It's pretty explosive.  
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_**Whole **_**  
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_So maybe I am bound by fate_

_A problematic scarring induced by hate_

Cursed. I'm cursed. Alone. My life has been taken from me and I reach for anything_, anything,_ that can bring a bit of it back to me. Tipping the bottle to my lips doesn't change the emptiness I feel inside. Doesn't fill me up. Can't escape the memories.

_It never seems to all pan out_

_Is that what all this teaching is needed to scout_

_You seemed to have a bad effect_

_Your rules and contradictions I would neglect_

I laugh, my heart's not in it. Dead and shriveled in my chest. No mirth for me. You tell me to fight, for good. She tells me to fight, for self. I go for the latter. There's no good left for me to care about, to fight for. He died in front of me.

_Though not my fault you made me feel_

_Like my own education wasn't truly real_

Raised a hunter. Killer of all things evil. Not real, it's not me anymore. I'm more the hunted. More the darkness lurking behind all things light. She taught me that.

_Then you came right in, tearing out my soul_

_How could all this loss be your only goal?_

_I'm left standing here desperate in the cold_

_Since you took your life mine has not been whole_

He died. For me. Left me. Alone. Twisted. Broken. Dark. Should have known. He should have known. I reach for the bottle, lookin' for a way to disappear. I slam the bottle down without taking that burning, life bringing drink. Lookin' now for a way to get him back. Turning over stones, finding snakes beneath. I'm losing what I was, without him to remind me what that was. Every day burns away my soul.

_So there I stood a scolded child_

_The reasons never questioned_

_My pain's been filed_

_Inside this place that makes me feel_

_I learned life is unfair and that is very real._

So the bitch made it back; crawled out of the pit. She stands in front of me now, worming her way inside my walls. I forget who I am in the circle of her arms. I forget what I've fought for. I just know- any means necessary- I'm gonna go out fighting. I'm gonna get my life back. A little darker, more twisted, powerful. Fighting.

_While you try to overcome the lesson_

_Making the most of those questions that just keeps me guessing_

_I'm looking longer, harder, further than I ever have_

_Solitude breaking me down you always seemed glad_

_To put me down and stick me in that little pit_

I snort, seeing her standing there. She has a hand on her hip, so like her. She taught me to do what I do. Pulling demons. Darkness. It's inside me, mutilating what I am, what I was anyway. She keeps pushing, breaking me. _Training_ me. Hurts all the time. Getting better though, I'm getting stronger. I'll push back at her one day. She nuzzles me as she senses the stillness come over me. She knows she gets to me.

_Personal growth as a child that mattered not a bit _

_Then I became the person that you hated most_

_Disrespecting the father, son, and holy ghost_

I stare at him. That's all I can do. Just stare. He's a stranger to me, has been ever since he came back. I have to wonder sometimes, what happened to him there. Won't tell me. No, he won't ever talk. I just realized I can't make him talk. Oh, if he wants to, I'll listen.

I'm powerful beyond what he realizes. I haven't told him everything. I can't take the way he looks at me, these revelations taking us apart where we were so_ so _close before.

_A small example of what the things you've done to me_

_Have changed in my life and changed the things that I can't be_

_I'll never be!_

"Think about it Dean. If you hadn't made that deal, I wouldn't be here."

"That's just it! You wouldn't be here!"

"I wouldn't have been alone! I wouldn't have turned to the one person who came back to me before it was too late!"

"It's not too late and I'M HERE!"

"ANGELS ARE THREATENING TO DUST ME, DEAN!" My eyes warp, I feel the heat. "IT IS TOO LATE!" I turn away from him, ripping a hand back through my hair. She comes out of the darkness. I pull her to me, holding her close, kissing her deep; it's like fucking in a glass house. He watches, waiting for it all to be a dream. Nightmare.

I put my hands to her face; don't even flinch as she starts choking in my arms. Cold black smoke filters over my hands, down between our bodies so close. Red veins of hellfire follow the seams of the tile. She's dead in my arms but it doesn't stop me from snapping her neck.

"SAM!" He calls to me, reaching out to stop me as her body slides to the floor, rotting already. I turn on him, black eyes piercing him like lightening. But they don't because that light arcs through me as pain centers in my chest. I look down, seeing the hilt of the bitch's knife sticking out of my chest. I giggle, sliding into his arms as he eases me down, tears burning paths down his cheeks as he falls with me.

"I'm sorry I left you alone." He tucks my head under his chin. "I'm sorry I didn't come back in time." He sobs. "I'll never be sorry I made that deal though." He pulls the knife from my chest, "I'll never leave you alone again" and slides it home in his.

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**A/N: I got some very...disturbing reviews on the last fic, because it seems I don't hate Sam like a lot of other nameless people that I can't...speak to, like I would like to. This is where I see the season and the series going, I don't like it at all but this is where a rift takes people who have nothing left but the person on the other side staring back.**

** But I do hope some of you liked and I hope you review. Thanks to any and all who do.**


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